Prayer

While I was thinking of writing this entry, I was thinking I should cover the "Jersey year" of our life and talk about the fifteen months we spent as residents of the Great Garden State (aka: New Jersey). But instead I feel compelled to write about God.

I know I've been and probably still am to some extent, angry at God. I used to feel justified, that I "should" be angry at him. I also feel many times terribly guilty about my anger. However most recently I feel the way a child is angry at her parent for not getting her way. I mean seriously isn't that what I'm really all up in arms pissy about? I didn't get "my" way. My perfect little picture of raising children and keeping a clean house all while returning to work when everyone became old enough to go to school. No, instead I was handed a beautiful boy who has challenged me more than I ever thought a mother should be challenged. Add also the challenges of 3 wonderfully typical young ladies. Do I get angry because I was gifted these 3 lovely, lovely girls? No, of course not why should I be? They are what everyone expects when you become a parent. Aren't they what we feel God should be giving you?

I praise God, I accept his son Jesus as my Savior. I am a sinner and so very far from perfect. I praise Him, worship Him and pray. I pray for just about everything and give thanks for the many blessings I know I do not "deserve". Yet I feel/felt at some point in my life that I "deserved" to have a non special needs son. That I didn't deserve to walk this path.

In the past when I was feeling anger at God because of the path my life has taken. This journey I've not chosen and probably never would have chosen if given the choice. When the anger set in I would show my anger to God. I would refuse to pray and like a child, ignore Him or ignore the gratefulness I was feeling towards my many blessings and gifts that are indeed handed to me from Him. I would not acknowledge Him.

These days I notice when the anger comes around, I will not ignore Him. I cannot. I praise Him. I pray and give thanks. I am blessed and not in the, "oh I wouldn't change a thing about my special needs child!" I have been blessed many times over. Yes I was handed this gift of boy, yes he has made me learn things about myself I would NEVER have learned if he were not the way he is. If I were given the miraculous opportunity to change him, to make him "normal" would I have to change myself as well? These days I firmly believe God has a plan. Do I have to like his plan? No I don't believe I do at first impression. But like a child I must follow what the Father already has determined. I can either kick and tantrum or look for the provisions he has set out as blessings to guide and lead and trust that He is not going to do anything to disgrace His name. That He will provide as He has from the beginning when I was too busy knowing better than Him.

Backing up a bit

I haven't given a proper introduction post. In the "about me" section of my blog I mention I am a married SAHM (stay at home mom) for those unfamiliar with abbreviations. I'm soon to be 42 years old and married to Tommy my high school sweetheart. Yes we did meet in high school. Actually Tommy was sitting on the stoop/stairs/entrance of this little corner store. My best friend and I went to this corner store so she could meet up with her boyfriend. The boyfriend and Tommy played in a band together. Tommy was the drummer. Best friend and the boyfriend were talking and I noticed Tommy burning off his shoelaces from his sneakers. They were all tied together in knots and he wanted to change them but couldn't get them off because of all the knots. I asked him, "Do you always burn off your shoelaces?". I remember Tommy looking up at me and our eyes met. Oh my gosh he had the nicest eyes. Green. I don't remember what he said exactly in reply I couldn't get past his eyes. We were 15 years old. Turns out Tommy was starting the same high school I was already attending. We became fast friends and of course that turned into one of those, "Yes I do LIKE him but what if it doesn't work out?? Then we won't even be friends anymore!!". By age 17 we were an official couple and went through the rediculous teenage angst drama. Breakups, tears, making up, more dramatic fights and arguments, etc... I mean what teenage life would be complete without it? I am thankful we came out the other side together. While I was in nursing school Tommy proposed. At Rockerfellar Center in front of "The Tree”. We planned to marry after I finished college and we did just that. We were 25 years old, educated, employed well, owned new vehicles and had a lovely 2 bedroom apartment in a nice neighborhood. One of Tommy's best friends, Steve lived in apartment upstairs. It was an incredible time in our lives. The week before our wedding I found out I was pregnant. We told only my sister and Tommy's oldest brother. I didn't want anyone to know and be looking at me all odd or be asked, " Are you ok??" a bazillion times at my wedding that I had planned for 2 years. We were newlyweds in November 1995, by July 1996 we were parents.

The thrill of the Thrift

So today Thomas had an appointment in Manhattan. A psychiatrist appointment. I didn't mention in my first post that these days Thomas also carries the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. He received that diagnosis shortly before his 6th birthday. His current psychiatrist's office is right across the street from a Goodwill store. It's amusing actually, about half a city block down from the Goodwill store is a very high end resale shop. Thomas and I have visited that shop a few times. I love to just look and feel the clothes, look at and touch the expensive handbags. I don't even necessarily want to buy anything there, I truly get a kick out of looking. When Thomas is having a good day he loves to go along and he is the worst enabler out there. "Mom! You gonna buy that?? Ooh Mom, that's NICE!" I'll explain, "No Tom, I'm just looking, I don't HAVE to buy something, I just want to look". He's really a sweet companion to have along, when he's having a good day. So anyway, today we hit the Goodwill. The expensive resale shop was closed but that's ok I really didnt want to go there anyway. These days my thrift shopping is true therapy. I can't explain that my mind clears when I enter the store. I focus whatever clothing I'm on the hunt for that day. The people working there are usually not interested in small talk (except lately at my local Salvation Army, one employee is quite chatty and I am not in a chatty mood I'm polite but don't encourage conversation). Most times the other customers aren't interested in chatting either. So...this is the perfect mini/two hour "vacation" or stress diversion. Yesterday I visited the local Salvation Army but didn't find anything that *had* to come home with me. Today however at this lovely Goodwill store I scored a pair of Hudson jeans that were new with tags! Score! I did an online search and they were on "sale" at one site for $112.00. I paid $12.99. Sweet. And they fit awesome.