Prayer

While I was thinking of writing this entry, I was thinking I should cover the "Jersey year" of our life and talk about the fifteen months we spent as residents of the Great Garden State (aka: New Jersey). But instead I feel compelled to write about God.

I know I've been and probably still am to some extent, angry at God. I used to feel justified, that I "should" be angry at him. I also feel many times terribly guilty about my anger. However most recently I feel the way a child is angry at her parent for not getting her way. I mean seriously isn't that what I'm really all up in arms pissy about? I didn't get "my" way. My perfect little picture of raising children and keeping a clean house all while returning to work when everyone became old enough to go to school. No, instead I was handed a beautiful boy who has challenged me more than I ever thought a mother should be challenged. Add also the challenges of 3 wonderfully typical young ladies. Do I get angry because I was gifted these 3 lovely, lovely girls? No, of course not why should I be? They are what everyone expects when you become a parent. Aren't they what we feel God should be giving you?

I praise God, I accept his son Jesus as my Savior. I am a sinner and so very far from perfect. I praise Him, worship Him and pray. I pray for just about everything and give thanks for the many blessings I know I do not "deserve". Yet I feel/felt at some point in my life that I "deserved" to have a non special needs son. That I didn't deserve to walk this path.

In the past when I was feeling anger at God because of the path my life has taken. This journey I've not chosen and probably never would have chosen if given the choice. When the anger set in I would show my anger to God. I would refuse to pray and like a child, ignore Him or ignore the gratefulness I was feeling towards my many blessings and gifts that are indeed handed to me from Him. I would not acknowledge Him.

These days I notice when the anger comes around, I will not ignore Him. I cannot. I praise Him. I pray and give thanks. I am blessed and not in the, "oh I wouldn't change a thing about my special needs child!" I have been blessed many times over. Yes I was handed this gift of boy, yes he has made me learn things about myself I would NEVER have learned if he were not the way he is. If I were given the miraculous opportunity to change him, to make him "normal" would I have to change myself as well? These days I firmly believe God has a plan. Do I have to like his plan? No I don't believe I do at first impression. But like a child I must follow what the Father already has determined. I can either kick and tantrum or look for the provisions he has set out as blessings to guide and lead and trust that He is not going to do anything to disgrace His name. That He will provide as He has from the beginning when I was too busy knowing better than Him.