Monday, April 30, 2012
Typos
I am apologizing for my typographical and grammatical errors. I try to proofread but many errors seem to get past and then published. I have attempted to edit my posts but...whenever I've tried that, the whole post disappears! No, I'm not kidding. Words fail to describe the frustration of that scenario.
Writing
I wasn't going to write today, I really wasn't I was afraid to. Afraid of what I have no idea. My anxiety and depression have been kicking my ass ( as well as those who live with me and love me). But, I refuse to let "it" win at least about writing. Depression really does hurt, just like the commercials say.
I never continued on with our journey in getting Thomas diagnosed.
By the time Thomas was 5 yrs old we had moved back to New York (after a 15 month venture in living in the Great Garden State of New Jersey). He would continue to have terrible tantrums, terrible. Mostly directed at me, hitting me, throwing things at me. Our second child, our daughter A was 3 yrs old and they had kind of usual sibling spats/fighting. I have to say A held her own, she still does. Even at that age Thomas and A were loyal to each others.
I found a mental health center for children, pretty much the only game in town, when Thomas was 5 yrs old. We started with a wonderful therapist/social worker named Darlene. She was wonderful in that she listened to me. I feel like the worst part of those years with Thomas was that NO ONE would listen to me. Darlene believed me, and even when Thomas actually did act out and show his behaviors; yes she had this shocked look on her face but she would always say, "I know I look surprised and I do believe you, but to actually see him do x, y or z...wow...". Thomas had this rediculously frustrating manner of showing himself to be wonderfully behaved in front of just about everybody outside our family. Behind closed doors was a completely different story. And if we had people over, in the house he would look around and ensure they weren't looking when he hit me.
In conjunction with Darlene we saw a psychiatrist at this center. She was nice enough and saw some of the behaviors my husband and I described. She wanted to rule in ADHD/add. Fine. We trialed a stimulant drug, very low dose. At one small dose Thomas cried all day. Yes ALL DAY. Even after the drug supposeldly wore off he cried and cried. It was horrible. I felt terrible for him. It was a Saturday. I figured it would be more telling to try medication on the weekend rather than give it to him and send him off to school and reley on the teacher who wasn't seeing what he was doing at home anyway.
I called the dr on call after Thomas wouldnt stop crying and we agreed to not give him more. Some professionals told e in years past that we should have continued the medication trial. That it was normal I guess for him to cry like that. I don't know. I'll never know. All I do know is that in my "mother opinion" it was not normal and no I wasn't giving my child something that made him react in that way.
I never continued on with our journey in getting Thomas diagnosed.
By the time Thomas was 5 yrs old we had moved back to New York (after a 15 month venture in living in the Great Garden State of New Jersey). He would continue to have terrible tantrums, terrible. Mostly directed at me, hitting me, throwing things at me. Our second child, our daughter A was 3 yrs old and they had kind of usual sibling spats/fighting. I have to say A held her own, she still does. Even at that age Thomas and A were loyal to each others.
I found a mental health center for children, pretty much the only game in town, when Thomas was 5 yrs old. We started with a wonderful therapist/social worker named Darlene. She was wonderful in that she listened to me. I feel like the worst part of those years with Thomas was that NO ONE would listen to me. Darlene believed me, and even when Thomas actually did act out and show his behaviors; yes she had this shocked look on her face but she would always say, "I know I look surprised and I do believe you, but to actually see him do x, y or z...wow...". Thomas had this rediculously frustrating manner of showing himself to be wonderfully behaved in front of just about everybody outside our family. Behind closed doors was a completely different story. And if we had people over, in the house he would look around and ensure they weren't looking when he hit me.
In conjunction with Darlene we saw a psychiatrist at this center. She was nice enough and saw some of the behaviors my husband and I described. She wanted to rule in ADHD/add. Fine. We trialed a stimulant drug, very low dose. At one small dose Thomas cried all day. Yes ALL DAY. Even after the drug supposeldly wore off he cried and cried. It was horrible. I felt terrible for him. It was a Saturday. I figured it would be more telling to try medication on the weekend rather than give it to him and send him off to school and reley on the teacher who wasn't seeing what he was doing at home anyway.
I called the dr on call after Thomas wouldnt stop crying and we agreed to not give him more. Some professionals told e in years past that we should have continued the medication trial. That it was normal I guess for him to cry like that. I don't know. I'll never know. All I do know is that in my "mother opinion" it was not normal and no I wasn't giving my child something that made him react in that way.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Constant state of motion
I'm diagnosed with having an anxiety issue. I'm thinking the majority of us have issues with anxiety at some time or another, I know I have. I also know for me, this time its different. In my experience, when the anxiety comes over, it pretty much takes over. It's horrible and sometimes paralyzing and/or panic causing. I want to get out of my own skin if I could.
After starting therapy (loooooong overdue, very long) I also made an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss medication options. I did not want to go on this way without at least learning what options would be suggested. I reluctantly agreed to begin taking an anti anxiety medication. This was a HUGE step for me. I barely take Tylenol or Benadryl unless absolutely necessary.
I'm not ashamed or proud of deciding to take medication. It is what is it at this time in my life. We are in the process of chosing a residential school for our son. That in of itself is enough to produce anxiety, I'm also processing the past 15 yrs of my life as Thomas' mother. My emotions that haven't been faced but swept under or emotions I was so, so certain I had well under control. I was wrong. They are all in my face, now.
One of my coping mechanisms aside from thrift shopping has been maintaining a constant state of motion. Nope, sittings not a good thing. Sitting allows for my mind to go places I'd rather it not go. My self worth is examined, this worth that is not measured by a paycheck or anything "tangible" since I am a SAHM. The whole SAHM issue is something else my mind likes to berate as well.
With 4 kids there is always something to do. Always laundry, cleaning, sweeping, folding, you name it. One would think my house would be spotless due to my constant state of motion. Hardly. As soon as something is cleaned or vacuumed there is someone right there to undo what I did. It's an interesting situation I assure you.
After starting therapy (loooooong overdue, very long) I also made an appointment with a psychiatrist to discuss medication options. I did not want to go on this way without at least learning what options would be suggested. I reluctantly agreed to begin taking an anti anxiety medication. This was a HUGE step for me. I barely take Tylenol or Benadryl unless absolutely necessary.
I'm not ashamed or proud of deciding to take medication. It is what is it at this time in my life. We are in the process of chosing a residential school for our son. That in of itself is enough to produce anxiety, I'm also processing the past 15 yrs of my life as Thomas' mother. My emotions that haven't been faced but swept under or emotions I was so, so certain I had well under control. I was wrong. They are all in my face, now.
One of my coping mechanisms aside from thrift shopping has been maintaining a constant state of motion. Nope, sittings not a good thing. Sitting allows for my mind to go places I'd rather it not go. My self worth is examined, this worth that is not measured by a paycheck or anything "tangible" since I am a SAHM. The whole SAHM issue is something else my mind likes to berate as well.
With 4 kids there is always something to do. Always laundry, cleaning, sweeping, folding, you name it. One would think my house would be spotless due to my constant state of motion. Hardly. As soon as something is cleaned or vacuumed there is someone right there to undo what I did. It's an interesting situation I assure you.
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